Dating Profile for Dave Seville

by Mary Houlihan

Hi!

My name’s Dave. And before you ask — no, that photo of me cliff-diving is not photoshopped! Haha.

Where to begin… Well, I’m a 38-year-old with a full head of hair, 5-foot-11, and I have three little chipmunks who I make sing for me.

Oh, and I put little glasses on one of them.

I view the one with glasses as the sort of “nerd” of the group. I named him Simon. Then another one of them– the fat one– I call him Theodore. Alvin is the normal one.

The chipmunks are getting really good at their songs (all of which I wrote, by the way), but they have a hard time focusing. They can be a liiittle rambunctious sometimes! Especially Alvin. Sometimes I think he just likes getting a rise out of me!

One day, I worried Alvin, Theodore, and Simon were looking a little lonely, so I went to the park I found them at and got three girl chipmunks to be their girlfriends. I then paired them up by physical appearance. Glasses with glasses, normal with normal– you get the gist.

Soooo! As you could imagine, that’s all been keeping me pretty busy! Which is why I simply haven’t had the time to date or make too many friends or go back to my job.

I used to work as a driving teacher, but I had to take time off when we were shooting the video for “Get Along Little Dogies.” It’s a Western-style ditty, so I had to teach the chipmunks to sing in a twang. It took forever. I came up with the concept of the video: the chipmunks dress in ten-gallon hats and leather chaps, and ride on saw horses which they pretend are real horses– then, the power of their imagination really does turn them into real horses! Just wait till you see what I have cooked up for our– I mean their– Christmas song!

I think I would make a good boyfriend because I’m very trustworthy. I’m really good at keeping secrets. Like, this one time, Eleanor (Theodore’s girlfriend) was planning a surprise birthday party for Brittany (Alvin’s girlfriend). It was soo hard not to tell Brittany! I thought I was gonna spill the beans! I almost did too, but I thought about how hard the Chipettes were working on the party, and that gave me the strength to keep my word.

Oh sorry, I forgot to say up top, “Chipettes” is the word I made up to call the girl chipmunks.

Date night? I would love to finally check out the new art museum downtown, go to an outdoor film screening, or cook you my nonna’s famous fusilli at a candlelit dinner back at my place. Full disclaimer: we will have to mind our noise as the walls are thin, and I don’t want to disturb my roommates (aforementioned).

I’m looking for a girl who’s fun, passionate, and ready to become the mother to my three chipmunk sons. Yes, I know I said earlier that they were my roommates who I write and record songs for (and design all their costumes, direct their videos, burn their videos onto DVDs and mail those DVDs along with their audio tapes to every goddamn record company in New York and Los Angeles), but I also consider them my sons. The chipmunks definitely view me as their dad.

I guess I’m also looking for a choreographer if you are one or know one.

I see how happy Brittany, Eleanor, and Jeanette make Alvin, Theodore, and Simon (respectively). I want my own Brittany, Eleanor, or Jeanette, but they don’t make chipmunks that big! Haha, just kidding.

Thanks for taking a look at my profile! I look forward to hearing from you 🙂

Mary Houlihan is an artist and comedian in Brooklyn. She writes and acts for TV and the Internet, and has appeared in Difficult People, The Best Show With Tom Scharpling, The Chris Gethard Show, Adult Swim, Comedy Central, and so forth. She hosts many comedy shows in NYC including Cartoon Monsoon, Future Forms, and Sopranos: The Play! among others. Her paintings, writings, and videos can be found on Twitter and Instagram at @maryhoulie.