by Steven Markow
Bonk. What is that sound? It is the sound of me throwing my bike lock at the Liberty Bell. And why did I do that? Is it because I like getting beaten up by cops and pedestrians at the same time? Yes, but also it is because I am officially, and humbly, announcing that I am a super soldier.
The idea to be a super soldier first popped into my head much like the idea to run for President probably came to Donald Trump– from a wildly unchecked ego that is straight up like if a rhino got stung by a bee the size of a bear, and if you combined all three of those animals into one guy, it would be me, Steven Markow, super soldier. And as a patriot and underemployed millennial, I am ready and willing to fly my ass over to North Korea and start kicking ass over there, and hey, if my own ass gets caught in the fray, so be it.
I have been practicing doing a lot of soldier stuff in my apartment in an intense training program that I made up and sort of pick up and put down whenever I feel like it. This includes, and is strictly limited to: practicing cartwheels, reading books about what kind of stuff that is not human food that you can eat anyway, and looking at pictures of guns online so when I see one in real life I will not get scared.
I am also willing to wear head-to-toe body paint so I look like a dead deer, or at least a seriously injured one. I will use this disguise (and maybe my next Halloween costume? I’m always multitasking!) to sneak past the sub-super soldiers of North Korea. If any of them figure my ruse out, maybe because they wear glasses and can see better than normal, I will shout the answer to riddles at them until their heads explode from trying to figure out what riddles they are the answers to. This is not only genius it is smart, super smart, the only kind of smart I know now.
The main thing we are all worried about is the nukes. It is awesome that President Trump has made so many threats that sound like pop punk labels in New Jersey, but in addition to “fire and fury” I also guarantee to bring down Rain and Hammers, Scary Clowns and Bad SAT Scores, Small Rocks and their dads: Big Rocks. Kim Jong-un will have to add my fist to his Friendship Museum (a real thing, please Bing it), because I am going to give it as a gift to his well-being.
I will disable the nukes by shaking them until some important part falls out, then I will use the useless hunks of junk to build cool stuff for the good people of North Korea, like a drum set, just one drum set but a really good one. As for Kim Jong-un, I will make sure he dresses up like The Joker so we do not feel bad about being mean to him, and also so we have a good bit going in prep for The Comedy Central Roast of Kim Jong-un, which I think people would love to see, especially if we got masterclass rippers like Jeff Ross, Jeff Dunham, Jeff Seinfeld, Jeff Sinbad, and the rest of the many funny Jeffs that make this country okay.
Let this announcement go into the public record, and please send a copy to President Trump ASAP who will appreciate someone else decided he could do something that no one seriously thought he could.
As V for Vendetta once said: remember, remember what happened in November, because that was insane and it is still happening. I think if you meditate on that for awhile you will think what I have just proposed is fairly reasonable. And if you do not think this is so, then might I just say: IT WAS A BOAT. Good luck figuring that one out, dumbasses!
God bless only the super soldiers.
Steven Markow is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY. His written work has appeared on The New Yorker, Paste Magazine, McSweeney’s, Brooklyn Quarterly, and The Tusk. He was the founder and host of New American Comedy, a monthly variety show that was listed in Paste Magazine’s “Top 10 Alt Comedy Shows in NYC”. He studied improv and sketch at the UCB, PIT, Second City, and Annoyance NY.