YOUR REFUSAL TO DATE CONSERVATIVES IS THE ONE REASON YOU STILL HAVEN’T SEEN AMERICAN SNIPER

Much like that baby, he thinks your reproductive right to chose is FAKE

 

A guest columnist at The Federalist is claiming that Trump won because women refuse to date conservatives. With so many female conservatives (53% of white women voted for Trump), how can that be true? Hint: It probably isn’t, but The Tusk’s own Cassandra Kyriazis has a much bigger truth for you.

You’ve almost seen it so many times, but a red-blooded conservative male is just the thing you’re missing to really push you over the edge and into 133 minutes of sort-of compelling war drama.

A new OKCupid feature has users indicate whether or not they support women’s health clinic Planned Parenthood, which is probably why you still haven’t seen Bradley Cooper’s nuanced performance in the film American Sniper.

American Sniper came out like three years ago and you were like “maybe I should go see this box office hit sweeping the parts of the nation that are mostly culturally different from me” but then also Into The Woods had just come out and who the FUCK are you to ignore a Stephen Sondheim movie adaptation? Meryl shined as always!

You did almost decide to go see it in February 2015 because your friend sent you some stills of Bradley Cooper in his fatigues and you were like “okay I think I feel some tingles downstairs, maybe I do like war dramas with Clint Eastwood’s signature patriotic bias.” But then Silver Linings Playbook came on HBO and you remembered that you actually like a slightly less-bulky Bradley Cooper and also Chinese food delivery.

What a cuck? What a hunk!

Then there was that time you almost caught it on TNT after an episode of Law & Order, but then you masturbated to the thought of Sam Waterston giving you a back massage and fell asleep on your couch instead.

And then finally there was that time you were going to rent it from the Redbox at Walgreens, but your liberal date screeched at you “No, IF I WANTED TO RENT AMERICAN SNIPER FROM A REDBOX, I WOULD HAVE GONE ON A DATE WITH A WOMAN WHO LOATHES PLANNED PARENTHOOD.”

But imagine a world, where your pussy could reach across the aisle and date a man who has seen a movie that Rolling Stone called, “Almost too Dumb to Criticize.”

Anyways, it’s back on HBO On Demand again next week so maybe you’ll catch it then. Or better yet, maybe you’ll start dating a conservative who will make you watch it and then explain that you don’t have a right to body autonomy.

Cassandra Kyriazis is trying to handle her post grad crisis with grace. Don’t @ her. Unless you want to @ her @CassandraKy and then maybe tell her this whole writing thing is working out. Or whatever. She totally doesn’t care. Are @ me jokes over? Fuck