Holy Shit We’re Doomed: Everything You Need to Know About The North Korean Missile Threat

Image via CNN

 

It’s super fucking scary

Also, scary as shit.

 The official American response to North Korea’s nuclear test is stalled while President Trump waits for his aides to deliver a report on how he’s polling in Guam

Trump has asked a few times, and they keep going, “We’ll have those numbers for you soon,” and then sneaking out to White House Rose Garden to chain smoke cigarettes.

It would take a North Korean warhead less time to reach New York City than it takes to get to the best scene in The Chronicles of Riddick.

A North Korean ballistic missile carrying a nuclear warhead could reach New York City in about 40 minutes, which means if you started watching The Chronicles of Riddick the moment the missile was launched, you’d be vaporized before getting to the scene where Riddick kills that dude in the penal colony with a dented tin cup. You could always fast forward to that scene if you hear that the missiles are en route, but it wouldn’t have the same impact out-of-context. Our advice? Watch Chronicles of Riddick ASAP, and then once the missiles are in the air you can just watch that one scene over and over as you await death.

You don’t have to have seen Pitch Black to enjoy Chronicles of Riddick

In a perfect world there’d be time for both, but here we are.

Missiles look a lot like dicks

But let’s disabuse the notion that having a dick the size of missile would be awesome, because it would actually totally suck. If your dick were that big, it would make slow dancing with your mother at your wedding reception extremely awkward.

God has promised to intervene in a North Korean missile attack—but there’s a catch

Late Sunday night God agreed to prevent North Korea from launching an attack against the United States so long as fifteen year old Jeremy Fiffe of San Diego promises to never masturbate ever again.

This morning, Kim Jong-un emailed Jeremy a link to former reality show star Darva Conger’s August 2000 Playboy pictorial

The parental controls on Jeremy’s laptop just saved us all.

Tori Melendez showed up at the Johnson’s annual Labor Day neighborhood pool party wearing a bikini

Jeremy never thought about Tori that way before, but reports indicate that she got super hot over the summer.

Plans are underway to remind Jeremy that Tori is a total bitch

Jeremy’s best friend Kyle Buchannan told reporters from Buzzfeed News that he plans to remind Jeremy that Tori made fun of him for playing Pokémon Go! at Tyler Shaner’s birthday party last year as soon as he finds his phone.

Mrs. Johnson just announced to everyone in the pool that there are chocolate covered frozen bananas in the freezer if anyone in interested

If they’re covered in peanuts we’ll be fine, as Tori is allergic. If not, and Jeremy sees Tori eat one of those things, we’re totally fucked.

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