Suspect: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian
Evidence: Fans are totally convinced that Taylor’s latest song is yet another volley in her ongoing feud with Kim and Kanye. The key to this theory lies in the very first line of the song, when Swift states, “I don’t like your little games.” Fans couldn’t help but notice that the word “feud” appears in the title of the game show Family Feud, and that as a married couple with children, Kim and Kanye are in fact a family. Not convinced yet? Contestants on Family Feud have to answer questions to win, and wondering who Swift is talking about in this song technically constitutes asking a question!
Likelihood: While this theory is certainly interesting, lets hope it’s incorrect, as referring to a television institution that’s brought joy to millions of fans over three decades as a
“little game” would be awfully reductive.
Suspect: Calvin Harris
Evidence: Swift has a history of finding inspiration in heartbreak, and the acrimonious (and very public) end of her fifteen-month relationship with this songwriting DJ seems like particularly fertile ground. Notice how the first letter of each line of the chorus of this latest release spells out BHIIOLLLOLLL, which when spoken aloud kind of sounds like the Hebrew word “Belial.” In the ancient Book of Jubilees, which is considered canon by the Ethiopian Orthodox Church, uncircumcised gentiles are referred to as being “Sons of Belial.”
Likelihood: We simply don’t have enough information about the state of Calvin’s dick tip to know if this theory holds water.
Suspect: Arthur Schopenhauer
Evidence: Using music to express a strong desire to escape painful old narratives and declare a renewed sense of purpose might reveal that Taylor has adopted some of this 19th century philosopher’s ideas about how an artist can find salvation through immersion in aesthetic contemplation.
Likelihood: Not very. Schopenhauer was a major fuccboi.
Suspect: A frozen yogurt shop clerk
Evidence: Last March, a frozen yogurt shop clerk in Los Angeles mistakenly told Taylor Swift that the shop was out of sliced mango topping only to find more behind the rainbow sprinkles in the cabinet under the topping bar after Swift had already paid. Swift was reportedly furious when she saw the clerk serving sliced mango topping to customers who came into the shop after her, and swore revenge.
Likelihood: According to witnesses, Swift allegedly told the clerk that she was going to “make a music video with all kinds of creepy snakes in it, and the snakes are going to symbolize you. Unless you like snakes. Do you like snakes?” When the clerk admitted that she was terribly afraid of snakes, Swift is said to have responded, “Snakes it is then, motherfucker.”
Suspect: President Donald Trump
Evidence: Taylor’s knack for seizing the cultural zeitgeist and crafting pop anthems that empower young women make Trump a prime candidate for evisceration.
Likelihood: Given that Taylor shows no sign of knowing who Donald Trump is, it’s actually way more likely that the song is about grudge against a frozen yogurt shop clerk.
Evidence: Maybe Taylor isn’t singing to a single entity here as much as she’s addressing a society that insists on holding celebrity to unimaginably high standards, demanding total access to the most mundane detail of these celebrities’ private lives, and then reacting with either revulsion or rage when the celebrity is revealed to possess human failings, especially if the celebrity in question is a woman.
Likelihood: This one makes sense, but let’s not commit before we’re sure whether or not Calvin Harris is circumcised.