What to Do with Your Leftover Confederate Statues

(Pic via Kate Medley at Reuters)

by Bridget Callahan

  1. Melt them down and turn them into tear-catchers. I don’t know what a tear-catcher is exactly, but it can probably double as a mint julep cup. Is that ironic enough to work? I’m not sure.

  2. Throw them into the ocean to create new barrier reefs.

  3. No, wait, don’t do that. Copper is toxic. How about just bury them in the woods? Grow some mushrooms on them. Toxic copper mushrooms. Toxic, copper, probably haunted mushrooms.

  4. You’re right. A kid might find the statues in the woods, and who knows how she would take it. That’s the beginning of a Stephen King book. So let’s put them in a mountain. Mountains are good places to hide evil statues. Nobody is poking around inside mountains.

  5. Of course, I don’t want to cut into the side of a mountain, but sometimes you do it anyway, when you’ve got things to bury, like alien spaceships, nuclear waste, and the horrifyingly offensive symbols of your country’s blood-soaked past.

  6. What about burying them in garbage mountains instead? Put them out with the trash. Bury them in a landfill in the most obnoxious Yankee place we can think of, like Vermont.

  7. Okay, this one is perfect. We’ll take them into space, and then drop them. Drop them really hard. Boom. Fuck you, fucker, explode. Disintegrate like the wispy delusions of grandeur you were forged from. We’ll clear everyone out of the radius of the drop spot, which will be… Siberia or something. We’ll even send people to go over the drop spot with a fine tooth comb afterwards, to check for things like defrosting Siberian reindeer anthrax carcasses. It will be a huge, great, fiery spectacle and, yes, it will probably look like we are dropping bombs on Russia. The good news is we can probably crowdfund the rockets.

  8. Maybe leave them toppled where they are. Children could play on them, and smear them with all the germs that would have killed those bastards in a week a hundred years ago. People on dates can sit on them to have picnics, and unknowingly curse their entire future relationship with revisionism. Everyone can spit on them as much as they want, and really late at night the ones on college campuses will probably get pissed on too. We will have to get most of the parks renamed though. PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT ALREADY.

    (Imagine a world where we all get together to rename the park and topple the statue together, on the same day. Like a normal, decent society).

  9. Let’s make some cheap Nascar toys out of them, the heritage folks will buy the shit out of that. Tiny stupid impotent little cars. We can donate the money to the NAACP and BLM, get a couple beers, feel pretty good about ourselves for a minute, then have a long overdue conversation about plantation houses. And pirates.

  10. Or, and hey, I think this is the winner – burn them in fires, and leave the melted remains exactly where they are, watching over traffic circles and courthouses, reminding everyone the South was crushed because it was led by evil, maniacal psychopaths who drank tears like water and ground the bones of living people into gold. Burn those fake corpses where they lay, and let the ruins sit there, so we are witnesses.

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