What I Think These 8 Hot Summer Books Are Probably About, Based On Their Covers

A mother of three named Eleanor Oliphant is mysteriously sulky at her husband’s 53rd birthday party. She insists nothing is wrong… but then, why does she seem so dissatisfied? Has she been crying? Middle son Tyler will stop at nothing to discover the truth, but is he actually being lured into the exact game she’s hoping he’d play? The answer is yes. Maybe? Probably. She says it’s not… but there’s something about the way she said it… in the end, Tyler drops out of college and moves back home and she says she’s upset about it but can’t stop smiling.

A woman married to a murderer murders a man married to a woman who thinks her brother might have murdered someone who knew a secret about her husband, then has super steamy sex with a Castilian therapist and begins a new life in Michigan, where she must match wits with a dedicated detective determined to figuring out what the fuck is going on, and at the end she drowns.

 

A struggling ghostwriter is tasked with translating a recently deceased, bestselling thriller author’s idea notebook into a novel in hopes of cashing in on the resuscitation of the Jurassic Park franchise and the  success of HBO’s Westworld, mashes the two properties together, and blows his entire advance on a sex swing, adult braces, and subscriptions to every dating site on the Internet.

A pervert who gets off on pleasuring himself to Youtube videos of devout Christians explaining why they’re waiting until they’re married to have sex learns an important lesson about responsibility when his next door neighbor is busted for cooking meth and he has to take care of the dude’s dog in this deceptively titled, terribly-marketed new novel.

700 pages of prose that I’ll bet is being described as ‘luminous’ about a woman training for the 1997 world Jenga championship in Los Angeles, which students of the game will remember was disrupted by a small earthquake, in this true story.

A witty and engaging series of essays about how witty and engaging the author is.

A frustrated man and his stifled wife harbor old grudges that threaten to tear their family apart until their house is shrunken and used as a fly fishing lure by a madman, at which point they die horribly.

That sentient, shape-shifting cloud of depression from the Abilify commercial finally tells his story in his own words, from his humble beginnings as a growing suspicion that life might not be fair, to his later days as a constant awareness of the fleeting, and therefore pointless, nature of love.