An Almost Comprehensive List of Ways You Can Die at the Beach

by Bridget Callahan

  1. Sharks
  2. Man’O’War
  3. Dehydration
  4. Alcohol poisoning
  5. Skin cancer
  6. Staph infection
  7. Rotten clams
  8. Infected foot
  9. Drowning
  10. Looks like drowning from afar, but is actually just giving up
  11. Heat exhaustion
  12. Heart break
  13. Tsunami
  14. Lightning
  15. Hurricane
  16. Polar ice caps melting
  17. Missed Connections
  18. Faulty bolt on ferris wheel
  19. Poisoned trail mix
  20. Ennui
  21. Attacked by wild golden retrievers
  22. Pirates
  23. Seal poachers
  24. Lifeguards who ironically don’t use protection
  25. Suffocation by towel
  26. Run over by dune buggy
  27. Pierced by lawn dart
  28. Fireworks
  29. Sea witch curse
  30. Large, vengeful whale
  31. Mutiny
  32. Diamonds
  33. Not a tame lion
  34. Allergies
  35. Kite surfing accident
  36. Errant spear
  37. Ingesting surfboard resin
  38. Jetski pump failure
  39. Stumbling on a nefarious purpose
  40. Insurance fraud
  41. Eels
  42. Falling into outdoor fire pit at large charity event
  43. Abduction by foreign government
  44. Secret twin
  45. Secret baby
  46. Rapist
  47. Diving for buried treasure
  48. Malnutrition from months stranded on island eating only grass and palm bark
  49. The displeasure of the gods
  50. Buried alive

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