by Cassandra Kyriazis
Female reboots are here to stay: Ghostbusters and Ocean’s 8 are just the tip of the iceberg. But some reboots are too easy. Anybody can kill ghosts or rob casinos. If Hollywood’s gunning for female reboots, they should really challenge themselves. Here are a few choice movies that are so inherently male, it’s almost impossible to picture them with female protagonists.
1. Wedding Crashers
Think about it: two mid-30s women who crash weddings because that’s the only way they can get laid. That makes perfect sense. One of them is going to be a LOT taller than the other one and that whole story line where Isla Fisher sorta rapes Vince Vaughn is going to become very overtly creepy and will be actual rape in the female protagonist reboot. So dope. Hype for Tall Lady Vince Vaughn to marry her rapist in this new one.
New Title: Lady Wedding Crashers
Best Reversed Gender Scene: Think about that tits montage part while “Shout” plays being replaced with a rock-hard dicks montage while “Shout” plays. Peak cinema. Really.
2. Old School
A bunch of 35-year-old women extremely nostalgic for their sorority, which probably objectified them in order to get in “good” with cool fraternities, restart that sorority on their old college campus. This totally has the potential to be the next Bridesmaids, or at least the next Bad Moms. Wait, is this Bad Moms? Anyway, these crazy ladies throw parties and get a bunch of under aged kids drunk all in the name of needing to party. And then the main character accidentally sleeps with the 17-year-old son of her boss. Basically, these women are absolute ballers, because like every woman knows: there’s no better lay than a 17-year-old dude who still hasn’t heard of a clitoris.
New Title: Old School, But With Chicks
Best Reversed Gender Scene: The part where Will Ferrell’s ex-wife is being taught how to give a blow job by a gay guy. Now it’s men being taught a cunnilingus class by a lesbian. Just kidding, that would mean the movie would need to be rated more Xs than are allowed in the movie rating box.
Think about how funny it would be if a horribly misandrist anchorwoman learned to love a man for more than just his sexual value. Bear with me: this woman, let’s call her Rhonda, who’s at the top of her game because she lives in an alternate utopic 1970s dominated by the matriarchy, straight owns San Diego local news. She crushes with her fellow ladies: the weather betch, the sports dudette, and the lead field reporter lady. But then, a man is hired to substitute anchor for one of the women. Which is hilarious because men can’t do anything in this 1970s utopia that has never and will never exist. Rhonda learns to deal and eventually falls in love with the man, but only after aggressively sexually harassing the man with all of her friends in the office, despite the man’s clear refusal of her advances. This is funny stuff. Probably.
New Title: Anchorwoman: The Legend of Rhonda Burgundy
Best Reversed Gender Scene: Instead of a substitute anchorwoman being introduced live on air as “Tits McGee,” a substitute anchorman would be introduced live on air as “Testes McGee.” Hilarious!
4. The Campaign
Imagine two unqualified women battling for political office. One of them is a mean idiot. The other is a different, nicer kind of idiot. After a bunch of sexual deviance and gross exploitation of one another, they’re still allowed to be running for office. Nobody even asks about their emails. Too funny.
Cassandra Kyriazis is trying to handle her post grad crisis with grace. Don’t @ her. Unless you want to @ her @CassandraKy and then maybe tell her this whole writing thing is working out. Or whatever. She totally doesn’t care. Are @ me jokes over? Fuck