Mr. President, I write this with all due respect and reverence to the office you hold. I love this country and everything it stands for. But boy howdy, are you ever on thin ice, buster.
Donald J. Trump, in just a few months, you’ve attempted to institute unconstitutional travel bans, tried to take away healthcare from millions of Americans, toyed will illegal war in both Syria and North Korea, and spent every weekend traveling to Florida to golf on Americans’ dimes, contrary to your campaign promises. And golly, does that just get me steamed.
Furthermore, if I find out about one more tie to Russia, you are going to be on notice so dang fast your head will spin. I know some of my fellow journalists might be afraid to say it, but I’m not: wowzers, are you ever cruisin’ for a bruisin’.
When you mocked disabled people and veterans, my fellow Americans and I told you to knock off the tomfoolery. When you stirred up racial violence at rallies, the people of this fine republic said, “You’re all wet, bub!” When a tape was released of you bragging about sexually assaulting women, the majority of this country’s voting citizens bravely took a stand, stood firm, and said, “No way, Jose!”
And yet here we are. You know what, I’m not even mad. I’m just disappointed.
What I’m about to say may well fall on deaf ears. It may cause outrage and controversy, especially since we live in a time of heightened sensitivity and manufactured, clickbait uproar. But I believe that it is my duty as a truth-teller and as a member of a free nation to speak up. I’m not afraid to lose my job or spill my blood to say it:
You, President Donald J. Trump, are in such hot water. Jeepers creepers, you are in the doghouse, my man. You are in deep doo-doo. You better straighten up and fly right. That’s right, bucko: you are heading straight for no-goodnik alley at this rate, and if you don’t shape up and quit horsin’ around pronto I will not be afraid to just wig out and flip my lid on your hiney, capiche?