Which Piece of Ikea Furniture Is My Wife?

Sweet Catherine, love of my life, is that you? I pray it is not, for the thought that the wizard should be so cruel as to punish me by dooming you to life as a queen size storage bed is too much to bear…
The simple elegance of this nightstand reminds me of you, fire of my heart, but how am I to know for sure? The wizard won’t tell me which piece of furniture he’s transformed you into, only that you’re somewhere inside this store…oh, if only there was a way you could give me a sign. Wiggle your knob, my sweet. Wiggle your knob, that I may know my search has ended and our reunion is at hand…
IS THIS SLEEPING SOFA MY WIFE, YOU SON OF A BITCH? YOU MOTHERFUCKER, ENOUGH OF YOUR GAMES!

 

On our first anniversary we went to Niagara Falls and, standing on the observation platform, watching those hundreds of thousands of gallons of water rush and rage by, I thought to myself–my love for this woman flows as naturally and with as much force as this water does. Looking at this chair, I feel nothing.

 

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Wizard. I respect your power, I do. Please…take me instead. I’m the one who angered you by allowing my dachshund, Ebenezer, to traipse through your begonias and then called you ‘Mr. Dumbdick’ in front of the garbage man when you complained about it, and then egged the garbage man on when he mistakenly believed your name actually was ‘Mr. Dumbdick.’ Catherine doesn’t even like Ebenezer. She calls him ‘Mr. Dumbdick,’ that’s where I got the name.

 

Catherine, my guiding light, the wizard winked at me as I inspected this bookshelf. Is he showing mercy in the form of a hint, or is he attempting to fool me into purchasing the wrong item? If only you were here to advise me…but then, if you were here, I wouldn’t have this problem, so there’d be nothing to discuss.
I think that I shall never see / A thing more beautiful than thee / Is what I said, when we were young/ and all our future was unknown / now I say, with much regret,/ you just might be this /sink cabinet

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