Oscar Predictions: Because You Will be Invited to Your Friend’s Oscar Viewing Party Sometime this Week

 

OH THE GLAMOUR!

It’s movie season and if you are in our key demographic of 20-40 year olds with a certain aura of culture, you are probably going to your friends yearly Oscar party. We can see it now, the pun drinks, the TV that is not quite big enough, the dress code that no one ended up following except Patty and she is pissed. You read our takes on the Golden Globes, but you probably haven’t seen all the films. Maybe you were too busy worrying about politics to watch them a couple months ago and are now watching our government fall into fascism to waste your time on film. Well, the Tusk is here to help, not the America part. The movies part! 

Best Picture:

What should win: “Moonlight”

What you should put down: “La La Land”

They both are Globe winners, but their can only be one winner here. Now, unpopular internet opinion, I liked “La La Land”. Does a white guy mansplain jazz? Yes. Can Ryan Gosling sing? Not really. Does it drag in the middle? You bet! But it’s fun and beautiful. Did I like it better in 1964 when it was a French film called the “The Umbrellas of Cherbourg?” Maybe, but saying that aloud would blow my cover as some one who is not a total drag. Here’s the thing. Moonlight is better. If you can only see one, watch Moonlight and watch the last 15 minutes of “La La Land” or even all of the “Umbrellas of Cherourg” or “Seventh Heaven,” both films are on Youtube in entirety. But the academy voters are mostly all old white men who probably saw “Seventh Heaven” in theaters (they just love that James Stewart!). Remember this is the same organization that chose “Driving Ms Daisy” over  “Do the Right thing.” So if you are just tryna win that bracket… 

Best Actress

Who should win: Viola Davis, “Fences”

Who you should put down: Isabelle Huppert, “Elle”

You might be saying, Viola Davis isn’t in this category. Well that’s too bad. If you think she is a supporting player in “Fenes” or that “Fences” did have the best performances of the year, you probably haven’t seen “Fences.” Usually, I say bet on Meryl, but I actually say “Florence Foster Jenkins.” It was cute and that’s all I can say. 

Best Actor

Who should win: Denzel Washington, “Fences”

Who you should put down: Denzel Washington, “Fences”

The old white men over at the academy probably think of Denzel as their one “black friend.” They love him. I mean not in “Malcolm X,” but they think he was just inspiring in “Glory.” Plus you already know about how I feel when it comes to “Fences.” Also who else are they going to pick. The rapey one? Mr. Can’t Sing? Spider Man? I’m not even going to entertain the idea of Viggo Mortensen. 

Best Supporting Actress

Who should win: Naomie Harris, “Moonlight”

Who you should put down: Viola Davis, “Fences”

You know my take on this. Viola shouldn’t be here. But she is and she should win if she is here. 

Best Supporting Actor

Who should win: Mahershala Ali, “Moonlight”

Who you should put down: Mahershala Ali, “Moonlight”

I’m just looking forward to having an excuse to pan over to Michael Shannon all night. I think calling Mahershala Ali “the” supporting actor of this film is dubious, but you can’t have this whole category be nominations of every male actor in “Moonlight.” As a side note, I kind of want Dev Patel to win. I don’t think he will, but as the 3rd Indian to ever be nominated for an Oscar that’s pretty sick. It’s especially crazy, when you know who the other two are. Because they are Merle Oberon and Ben Kingsley. For reference, Oberon passed as white while pretending to be Australian also it was 1935. And Ben Kingsley was Gandhi and a Knight and Ben Kingsley… so like of course we had to throw some awards at him. 

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who should win: “Moonlight”

Who you should put down: “Moonlight”

If they give Best Movie to “La La Land,” they will probably give “Moonlight” the runner up category aka screenplay aka “this was actually the best movie with the best writing and premise, but you know… we couldn’t pick it for bad reasons.”

Best Original Screenplay 

Who should win: “The Lobster”

Who you should put down: “La La Land”

There is nothing more original than the Lobster. If you saw “Dogtooth” and were like,but how do we make this crazier, this movie is perfect. And while “La La Land” is the least original film I can think of. Come on it’s an homage! People think, wow an old fashioned musical? But Fred Astaire is dead. This is original as hell!

Best Foreign Language Film 

We suggest: ”A Man Called Ove” or “Land of Mine”

You didn’t see any of these. You haven’t heard of any of them. They all have buzz and amazing reviews. Don’t pretend. 

We are going to do some rapid fires, because its the ones that you hate to sit though/ will get up for another “Hell or High Water Melon” or whatever other pun drink your over eager friend will be serving. 

Sound editing: “La La Land”

Sound mixing (the other sound editing): “Rouge One”

Best Original Song (aka why Three Six Mafia has an Oscar): “Audition (The Fools Who Dream),” it’s really good, though it hurts me that this is what stops Lin Manuel from EGOTing

Best Visual Effects (aka how “King Kong” 2005 has an Oscar): “Doctor Strange”

Best Editing: Should be “Moonlight,” but like most of these categories, will most likely be “La La Land.”

Best Production Design (aka how 1989’s “Batman” has an Oscar): “La La Land” 

Best Makeup (aka how “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events” has an Oscar): “Suicide Squad”… can you image? The Oscar goes to Suicide Squad? It will probably be “A Man Called Ove,” but still.

Best Costume Design (How Edith Head has more nominations than Streep, Nicholson and Davis combined): Probably “La La Land” or “Jackie,” but I like to think “Florence Foster Jenkins” or else it wasn’t Streep worthy.  

Best Cinematography: IF THIS IS “SILENCE” OR SOME NONSENSE AND NOT “MOONLIGHT,” SO HELP ME.

Best Original Score: “La La Land”… cause you know. Jazz. 

Best Animated Feature: This should be “Zootopia,” but could really be anything. This is not a science. 

And finally Director: Mel Gibson. Just kidding. Can you imagine? The worst choice possible. 

We’re watching you Oscars.

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